How Do I Discover Myself

Queer-gendered? Really?

Howdy, how ya'all doing? Good?
I hope so.

Cause I am surviving the hardest period of my puberty, being 17. First of all, you need to know why I have to write this in English. I write this post completely in English, deffo bcs I don't want my relatives especially families read this post and then they go ask me "Why?" and "Why?" You know it's an advantage to be able to write in English, since when you are talking about private things, you won't be annoyed by somebody you know. Which won't solve it, but will be adding more. And more.

So this story began on March 29th. (Sorry Mr. Grammar, I had to break your policy. You can arrest me after I finished all these sentences)  Back to topic, being 17 is freaking hard. I wanna say f**cking, but I don't want this post to be harmful to kids. You have to be 'mature', in a positively good way and manner. You have to be stereotypically accepted in society. Guess what? I am a crybaby, bit spoiled, and I dunno how to make up relationships. People called me lame as I being single which I don't think a problem. Sometimes I am being so insecure in front of public because people recall my walk peculiar. So whatever. I walk the way I walk. I am not a model who should do catwalk in the runway, right?




So, what these people expect from me? I am tired of being expected. The world expect a lot from us. We also expect a lot from the world. But do the world change? No. They keep being the way they are. And we should be that. We should be confident and convenient in the way we are.

There's always a moment when I feel myself so miserable. I failed on a lot of champs and comps I got in. I failed on four scholarships I have applied, list still goes on and counting (hopefullly no). But what I need is definitely a four-hour-session with a psychologist or psychiatric to discuss about my insecutiry and to answer my questions. I realize anything about myself when I entered the psychologist room in the third selection of UWC.

She is a psychologist wearing veil looks so mommy-ish. She began the session with asking me my happy and sad experiences. I have a lot of trouble in finding and writing these experiences, since I want to look good so I have to hide some exteremely bad experiences. But at that time, I was numb. I don't have any choices rather than being honest. I don't care if I eventually failed for telling the truth about myself. About how I become bullied in primary school, about how I will miss my families, about how tough is my family life, I decided to spill it out.

And then my tears are coming... F**K, why i was freaking crying in front of interviewer? I had a bad time being so emotional in front of them. They will end up judging me as a spoilled crybaby teenage boy. I need to stop. I have to stop. But the lady stopped me from pushing myself further. "It's okay" she replied.

I didn't own these images. Google have them and I steal them. Sorry!

The upcoming minutes of briefing will be the most valuable minutes of my life. There's no time when I feel so valuable, so appreciated, so praised. That time, I lost all my insecurities. I let it go. The lady came with an explanation why I had become an emotional teenager in first time. I had been bullied that's why I became a klutz and kind of 'fake it to make it' kind of thing. Because I have been insecure of being myself. I have limited friends but then she answered that by saying "you don't usually take sides, that's why people leave you. However you are a good mediator". That is so right, I don't usually get too close to peps. I am friends with everybody deffo, but when it comes to "best-friend" nobody come first. This is merely bcs I don't have my ace gang or whatsoever. I am friends to everybody. I accept any kind of friend. The lady didn't stop there. She said that I should be confident in myself no matter what happens in this selection (which is I will probably be failed cos the panel interview). But I don't really care. I hate this session for being so short. I need extra time to tell her and waiting for her answers to calm down my insecurities. Finally, I have been able to convey a bit tiny pieces of sadness into confidence. Thank you so much.

That's all. That's the process how I discover myself and my personalities. If youre failing an interview, never blame urself for being lame in front of the interviewer. Blame the interviewer for not being able to find the SPECIAL you!

That's it, keep being you and being happy!~